Say it isn't so
by tophetangel
Summary: Jim and Pam are newly married when a tragedy tests the strength of their love.
1. Chapter 1 Something isn't right

**A/N - Ok, I am one week post delivery and I am posting a new story... I have to be insane! :) Logan has arrived, and is healthy and sleeping like a champ. (More about Logi is posted in my profile.) So, Im writing in my mommy diary (I suggest this if you have kids, I look back in the one I keep for my daughter, and its amazing the things you forget!) and I am also writing in my fan fic notebook. **

**My hubby is such a sweetie, he then types up my stories for me, so I can just pop on for 5 minutes and post! I'm the typo queen, and hubby is the typo king, so I apologize in advance. Also, I write when I have time, 10 minutes here, 5 minutes there... so more than likely you'll be getting a chapter a week with this one, so set your alerts appropriately!**

**I started this story a few weeks ago so I have a head start, this is a challenge I got from _Dreamed a Dream_, so this one is for you my dear!**

**Reviews would make my day!**

* * *

Pam sighed as she scanned the office.

Even for Dunder Mifflin, it was oddly quiet. The hum of the copier and the buzz of the fax machine, other than a sporadic cough or sneeze, were the only noises heard in the tiny office.

Pam looked at her boss' door and knew that it was so quiet because Michael was in New York for the day. The sales team had time to spend a day _actually_ doing sales. Jim had made a few sales calls already, and was back in the office catching up on paper work. Andy and Phyllis were off trying to close a deal with a bank, while Stanly was emailing clients about contract renewals. It was the end of the quarter, so the accounts worked silently in their corner of the office.

She glanced at Jim who was engrossed with a spread sheet in front of him. She tried to catch his eye, but had no luck.

She looked at the phone, willing it to ring. It was too quiet. Too boring. She needed something to spice up her idle Thursday. She managed to stay awake through a few hands if spider solitaire and anxiously grabbed her purse when Jim walked to reception at lunch time.

She walked quietly next to Jim as they made their way down the street to their usual haunt, a small deli just a few blocks away from the business park.

"You ok?" Jim asked softly.

"Yeah." Pam offered a small smile.

"Don't fib, your nose will grow."

Pam let out a small laugh, before giving a heavy sigh. "I don't know, I haven't felt right since about mid morning. I can't put my finger on it."

"Are you coming down with something?" Jim quickly put the back of his and to her forehead.

"I don't think so." Pam shook her head.

"You look a little pale, are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah." Pam nodded.

"Maybe you just need some lunch..." Jim held open the door to the deli. "After you Mrs. Halpert."

Pam smiled, even after six months she hadn't grown tired of hearing her new title.

The meal was quiet, Jim watched people as they passed the deli, mindless chewing on his ham and cheese. Pam watched a father sharing his sandwich with his daughter at a corner table.

"Earth to Pam."

Pam came out of her fog and looked up at Jim, a giant smile on his face.

"I'm sorry, were you talking?" She asked softly.

"Ouch." Jim shook his head.

"I'm sorry, I was just watching that father over there... thinking about what a great father you'd be."

The color drained from Jim's face. "Wait... you're not... are you? Because I thought we said we'd give it at least a year before..."

"No! No, I'm not pregnant Jim." Pam laughed. "But I should have lied to you... you make the cutest faces when you're panicked."

"Anyway..." Jim shook his head, a little embarrassed. "We need to get back to the office."

She glanced at her watch. "Oh yeah!"

"C'mon." Jim held out his hand and led her out of the deli.

* * *

Pam grunted as they re-entered the office. The smell of paper, pencil shavings, and toner ink reminded her that she still had 4 hours until it was time to go home.

She tossed her purse into her drawer, locked it, and put on the head set Michael insisted she have after a recent visit to corporate. _"Grace has one, it looks sooo professional. You must have one!"_ He'd declared.

She rarely put the thing on, but figured she could use it to look busy as she listened to voice mails.

She wrote down the messages quietly, trying to stay awake, when she heard a familiar voice in her ears.

"Umm, Hi. This message is for Pamela Bees...I'm sorry, Pamela Halpert. This is her father Robert. Please have her call home immediately. It's urgent."

Pam's hand shook as she ripped off the head set. Her father rarely called her at work, and his voice was cracking as he spoke. She stood up as she pulled the hand set to her ear, dialing the numbers as quickly as she could.

Jim saw Pam's worried face and stood up and quietly stood next to reception.

"Hey Jen, is daddy there? I just got his message."

Jim watched as tears welled up in Pam's eyes. He softly reached over and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Daddy, its Pam."

Jim jumped back as Pam slammed the phone onto the receiver and grabbed her keys to unlock her drawer.

"Pam?" Jim came around the desk and grabbed her by the shoulders. She had tears streaming down her face and a fear in her eyes that he had never seen before.

Pam broke down and leaned into Jim's chest; sobbing so loud even Holly and Kelly emerged from the annex.

"Pam, what's wrong?" Jim whispered as he held her tight against him.

"My mom... my mom..." was all she could manage to get out.

Jim quickly pulled her to his side and grabbed her purse from the drawer. He was grateful when Stanly handed him his messenger bag.

"We have a family emergency, we need to go." He told Holly quickly.

Holly simply nodded and watched as Jim and Pam hurried out the door.

Pam continued to sob against Jim's chest as they rode the elevator down. Pam sprung from the elevators as soon as they opened and Jim ran after her, quickly unlocking the car so they could get in and go.

Jim pulled out of the parking lot and headed for the highway.

"What happened, is she ok?" He finally asked as they waited for a light to change.

"Daddy said there was a car accident... he didn't give any details... he just said... he said..." Pam burst into sobs again and Jim quickly grabbed her hand as they entered onto the highway.

"He said we have to hurry..." Pam choked out. "We have to hurry if we want to say _goodbye_."

Jim felt his heart twist in his chest. _"What?"_

Pam didn't answer, she leaned forward and clinched his hand a little tighter, she rocked herself slowly as they sped down the highway.


	2. Chapter 2 I can't

**A/N - Ok, when I write these on paper, they seem much longer!! So Im warning ya, these chapters wont be as long as my usual chapters (which arent terribly long either...). Logan is doing great, is back to his birth weight, and eating like a champ! **

**This story was a challenge to me, and I am always welcoming of story ideas from my readers!! :)**

**Reviews make me smile!**

* * *

The two hour drive seemed to take years.

Jim had been able to soothe to Pam enough to stop her sobs, but now she sat staring blankly out the window, an occasional tear spilling down her cheek.

They made the turn into the hospital and Pam leaped from the car as Jim slowed down. He watched her race into the hospital as he went to park the car.

He hurried into the hospital and got directions to Mrs. Beesly's room from a nurse, but paused as he stood in the doorway to the small room.

Pam's mother lay in the bed, tubes running in and out of her. Her face was bruised and swollen. He barely recognized her.

Pam and her sister stood at the right side of the bed, both clinging to their mother's hand. Robert stood to the left, staring at his wife with tears in his eyes.

Jim took in a deep breath and walked into the room quietly. He stood behind Pam and softly drew her back into his chest.

They stood there for a few moments before a doctor entered, giving a polite knock at the door.

"Is this everyone Mr. Beesly?" She asked softly. Robert simply nodded his head.

The doctor closed the door and came to stand at the end of the bed.

"My name is Dr. Michelson, and I've been caring for your mother since she arrived."

"What happened?" Pam asked quietly.

"Your mother was in a head on collision. From what the officers told me the other driver was an elderly woman, I was told she was pronounced at the scene. I'm afraid we don't know at this time, what exactly caused the accident."

Pam drew a slow breath and squeezed Jim's hand.

"We were able to stabilize your mother, but I'm afraid there is no brain activity. These machines are keeping her with us. Your father wanted you girls here when they were disconnected."

"What?" Pam looked at her father with pleading eyes.

"Pumpkin... we can't keep her alive for our selfish reasons..."

"_What??"_ Pam could feel the anger rising through her body.

"Pam, look at her! This is not your mother...look at her, she isn't here anymore, this isn't her!" Her father wiped his eyes. "We'd talked about this... if there was no hope for recovery, if this happened to either of us; we wanted the other to pull the plug."

"No...No!" Pam dropped her mother's hand and pushed away from Jim's embrace. "I will stand here and watch my mother die!" She yelled and ran from the room, Jim on her heels.

"Pam!" Jim reached out and grabbed her shoulder, spinning her around. He pulled her into him before she had a chance to run again.

"I can't watch her die! I can't!" She sobbed.

"Pam..."

"I can't do it."

"Pam... this is your mother... you need to be with her when she goes. She needs her family with her..."

Pam sobbed into Jim's shirt, holding fiercely on to his tie. "My mom... she can't leave me..."

"Shhh... I know sweetheart, I know..." Jim tried to calm her down.

"You don't know! That isn't _your_ mother laying there!" Pam screamed.

Jim stared at her, a lump caught in his throat.

"I'm sorry..."Pam shook her head and pulled herself back into Jim's embrace."I'm sorry..."

"It's ok; you're allowed to be upset right now." Jim whispered. "I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes... I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. I'm so sorry."

"Jim... I can't... I can't do this...I can't stand there and watch her take her last breath."

"That is your decision honey... no one can make you do anything you don't want to do." Jim caressed her back. "But I really think you need to talk to your dad..."

As if on cue, Robert appeared in the hallway. His eyes red and swollen. "Pam."

Pam reluctantly let go of Jim and faced her father. "Daddy, I can't watch her die..." She whispered softly.

"Pam, do you think I want to?" Her father's voice shook.

"No..."

"Your mother was always there for us, whenever we needed her. She was our rock." Robert wiped a tear from his cheek. "She needed us now, and I think we should all be there for her, just like she was always there for us."

Pam closed her eyes tightly. As much as she didn't want to face the reality before her, she knew it was something she had to do, if not for her father, for her mother. "Ok." She nodded, biting her lip.

Jim gently took her hand as they walked back down the hallway. Pam stopped in the doorway to the room and took in a sharp breath.

"You're sure?" Jim asked tentatively.

"Yeah..." She sighed and clenched his hand as they entered the room, Jim shutting the door behind them.

They each took their turn saying their tearful goodbyes, and watched helplessly as Mrs. Beesly's breathing tube was removed.

She took a few ragged breaths before she slipped away, the doctor quickly shutting off the beeping machines.

Jim held Pam as she cried, not wanting to let go of her mother's hand.

After a few moments Robert led Jen from the room, softly telling Jim they would meet them at home. Jim asked Pam if she was ok, and Pam slowly nodded her head.

"I need a moment with her... I'll meet you outside." She whispered.

Jim softly kissed her forehead and made his way out.

* * *

"Dunder Mifflin this is Kelly!"

"Uh, Hey Kelly, can you transfer me to Holly, I couldn't think of her extension."

"Jim? Is everything ok?" Jim was surprised at the softness of Kelly's usually booming voice.

"No... Can you just transfer me please? I need to speak with Holly."

"Sure."

"Human resources, this is Holly."

"Holly, this is Jim."

"Jim, is everything alright?"

"Uh, no...Pam's mom just passed away, we're going to be out next week."

"I am so sorry. I will fax the funeral leave papers to corporate before I leave this afternoon."

"Thank you." Jim sighed.

"I really am very sorry for your loss, if there is anything else I can do, please let me know."

Jim smiled at the kind gesture. "Thank you Holly. We appreciate it."

Jim clicked his phone shut and turned to see Pam walking slowly from the hospital doors.

"Hey." Jim wrapped his arm around Pam's shoulder as they headed for the car. "Should we head for the house?"

"Take me to the park." Pam whispered. "I can't go to daddy's right now."

Jim simply nodded and they walked to the car in silence.


	3. Chapter 3 How do you say goodbye?

**A/N - Thanks to my hubby, who typed this up for me. My sister borrowed me her extra lap top to use, so hopefully I can spare my hubby from having to decipher my chicken scratch.. (I am a nurse after all, and those of us in the medical profession know we have horrible handwriting! LOL.)**

**I'm not terribly happy with this chapter, I re-wrote and re-wrote it, and this is as good as I can get it without starting all over again! I promise to get to more of the 'meat' of the story soon! Reviews are awesome!**

* * *

Jim sat on the grassy hill, his knees pulled into his chest. He didn't want to disturb her, but it had been nearly an hour.

Pam sat on the lone swing in the tiny park. She slowly pushed her self up and back as she stared up at the sky.

Jim sighed and stood, brushing the grass off of his pants. He shoved his hands in his packets as he leaned against a tree, just to the right of Pam and the swing.

"She used to take me here when I was little." Pam told him, still staring the sky. "When we'd drop Jen off at school, we'd have our time together. Sometimes we would stop at McDonalds first... get breakfast."

Jim nodded, but didn't say anything.

"There is a bigger park down the street, all sorts of slides and monkey bars... no one ever comes here. It was like our special spot..." She continued. "We always had the swing to ourselves."

Jim nodded again, studying Pam's face. Her lip quivered as her gaze met his.

"I can't believe I'll never see my mom again."

Jim walked over and placed a gentle his on her cheek. He stepped behind her and pulled the swing back, watching her curls move with the breeze as he let go.

He pushed her on the swing for nearly half an hour when she put her feet down and skidded to a stop. "We should get to the house; the bugs will be out soon." She said flatly.

* * *

Jim followed her up to the car and they drove quietly through town, his hand laid gently over hers.

They pulled into the driveway and Pam made no move to get out of the car. Jim waited a few minutes before nudging her slightly. She slowly opened the door and Jim was there instantly, holding out his arm. She gave a sad smile as she hooked her arms with his as they walked to the house.

Pam hung her purse on the coat rack as usual, stopping by the small table in the doorway to run her fingers over the family photo that had been taken at the wedding months earlier.

She quickly wiped the tears from her face and grabbed Jim's hand as they entered the kitchen.

Jen and Robert sat at the table, mugs of untouched coffee in front of them.

"Coffee?" Robert asked as they entered.

Jim shook his hand and put his hand up, so Robert sat back down.

"I have an appointment tomorrow at two, at Mueller and Moore. I would like it if you girls came with."

Pam took in a breath. The last time she had been at the funeral home had been eight years ago, when her grandmother passed away. "Do we have to bring an outfit?" She asked softly. He father simply nodded.

Jen looked over at her father. "That dress she wore last Christmas...she loved that dress."

Robert bit his lip and smiled, nodding his head.

Jen got up from the table and grabbed Pam's hand, and they solemnly walked up the stairs together.

Jim shuffled his feet for a moment before taking Jen's seat at the kitchen table.

"I never thought this day would come... and certainly not this soon..." Robert stared into his cup of coffee.

"No one ever expects something like this to happen." Jim offered softly.

"I keep expecting her to walk through the door... she would have been home by now."

"I can't even imagine what you're going through... If I ever lost Pam..." Jim looked up at the ceiling, tears ready to fall from his eyes.

"You're a good man Jim." Robert got up, emptying his cup in the sink. "Beverly really thought the world of you, you know."

Jim smiled. "And I thought the world of Beverly."

Robert smiled and leaned against the sink. "She wouldn't want us to be sad; she always said funerals shouldn't be so dark, they should be a celebration of life."

"I agree. I mean, you should mourn the loss of the loved one, I'm not saying you shouldn't." Jim got up and emptied Jen's mug. "But you should celebrate the life the person lived. Celebrate who they were, and who they will remain in your memory."

Robert shook his head softly. "You are wise beyond your years Jim, you really are."

"Maybe tomorrow, after the appointment, we can put some photo collages together. I can run out and get some tag board... When my Grandfather passed, it was so great to go through the pictures, you get to talk about all the great memories each picture represents."

Robert didn't say anything. He shook his head and smiled, patting Jim's arm as he exited the kitchen.

Jim stood there for a few moments before heading out into the backyard. He sat at the picnic table and looked up into the darkening sky. He noticed a star twinkling in the distance, as he turned to stare at it; he saw Pam and Jen through the bedroom window.

Jen was sitting in the window sill, Pam leaning against her. Jen smoothed Pam's curls, and it broke Jim's heart to watch Pam shake as she cried.

He looked up at the star with tears in his eyes, only to find the star gone. He wiped the tears from his cheek and ran inside as it started to rain.

* * *

Jim woke up alone; he sat up and searched the dark room, only to see green numbers flashing twelve in the corner. He got up and went into the hallway; he headed down the stairs when he noticed a light coming from the kitchen.

He found Pam at the kitchen table, staring out the window as she held a cup of tea.

"Hey." He whispered as he sat next to her.

"This all seems so surreal." Pam shook her head. "I shouldn't be picking out the outfit my mother is going to be buried in."

Jim put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. "No. No you shouldn't."

"Why do bad things happen to good people?" Pam asked, her breath heavy.

"I don't know." Jim whispered. "I don't know."

"How am I supposed to bury my mom? How do I move on with my life knowing she's gone?"

Jim was silent, he struggled to find the words to say to her, but nothing seemed right.

"She was supposed to be there." Pam cried softly. "She was supposed to be there when her grandchildren were born, she was supposed to be at Jen's wedding, she was supposed to be there..." She put her cup down and buried her face in Jim's t-shirt.

"I know Pam... I know..." Jim hugged her tightly. "I wish there was something I could do, something I could say, I wish I could take your pain away."

Pam continued to cry and Jim wondered how if he would be able to get her through the next few days.


	4. Chapter 4 Photographs and Casseroles

**A/N - Sorry for the delay! We had a big party for husband's birthday saturday, and so last week I was trying to ge the details squared away and keep the 3 year old and the 3 week old happy!! So, this story kind of fell to the side.**

**I'm officially calling this a filler chapter... it simply moves the story along. I have the funeral chapter up next, and I was having some trouble getting us to that point... so I am kinda worried how this chapter will be received...**

**Reviews will be extremely helpful for this chapter, I am anxious to see what you all think!**

* * *

"This place smells like moth balls and crappy air freshener.." she thought to herself as she folded her hands softly in her lap, his much larger hands laying over hers as they sat in the funeral directors office.

"And you said you brought clothing." Mr. Moore spoke softly, with an almost fake kindness in his voice.

"Yes." Robert nodded, and Jen dutifully passed the garment bag over the desk.

"We assume you will be wanting a closed casket." Mr. Moore added, taking the garment bag.

Pam bit her lip, remembering her mother's bruised and battered face. Jim instantly squeezed her hand.

"Yes, we have an eight by ten photo we'd like to place on top of the casket if that's alright." Robert said mechanically.

"That would be just fine."

Pam glared at the funeral director, wondering how he could be so chipper. After all, he always saw people during the worst days of their life.

"So, we will plan on the memorial starting at 4 p.m, going until 8." Mr. Moore started. "We of course offer the hour before for family only, so we will have everything ready for you at three o'clock."

"Thank you Mr. Moore. We will be in touch." Robert stood and shook the man's hand before the family filed out of the tiny office.

Jim guided Pam through the small hallway, his hand on the small of her back. He knew she was trying desperately to keep it together, and wanted to get her to the car as soon as possible.

Once in the car Pam let herself cry. Jim simply clutched her hand as they drove back to her father's house, not muttering a word the entire ride.

They pulled into the driveway and parked behind Robert's truck, watching as he led a visibly upset Jen into the house.

"I'm gonna sit out here for a while, you go ahead." Pam spoke softly as Jim pulled the keys from the ignition. He nodded and headed inside.

* * *

Jim sat in the window of the living room, watching Pam sitting silent in their car. He was startled by the ringing of the door bell. He jumped up to answer it, calling out "I got it" to whoever was in ear shot.

He opened the door to a small middle aged woman, politely holding out a white casserole dish.

"I'm Mrs. Paula Ross, I live next door here." She motioned to the brick house to the right.

"Uh, hey, I'm Jim Halpert, Pam's husband."

"Oh my, Beverly always said you were handsome, but you are a looker, ain't ya young man?"

Jim stood there staring at the odd little woman, not knowing what to say. "Ummm..."

"Any hoo, I don't want to bother ya'll for long, I know you must be having a hard time getting on after such a tragedy and all, but I made some tuna casserole so ya'll have dinner tonight, it'll keep too, so feel free to freeze it, I ain't in no hurry to get this ol' casserole dish back."

"Oh, um, thanks." Jim smiled sheepishly and took the dish. "It was nice to meet you Mrs. Ross."

"Oh, call me Paula Darlin'. I'll see you at the service." She smiled and made her way down the porch.

Jim shut the door and headed for the kitchen. He barely shut the freezer door when the door bell sounded again. This time he opened the door to a tall heavy set woman in her sixties, also toting a casserole dish.

"Why hello young man." She smiled. "You must be James. I recognize you from the wedding photo." She motioned to the small table in the entry way.

"Uh, yeah." Jim nodded.

"I won't keep you, but I made tater tot hot dish. Wrote my name on the side, so you know whose dish this is. I imagine you'll have a freezer full." She smiled.

"Yeah, what is it about funerals that scream 'make me a casserole?'" Jim joked.

The woman laughed. "Food's comforting, and a little extra comfort never hurt anybody."

"Yeah." Jim nodded. "We appreciate it, it smells wonderful."

"You tell Robert we're thinking of 'em, keeping him in our prayers."

"I will do that... I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"Regina Nelson, I'm a few doors down."

"Nice to meet you Regina, and thank you again."

"Bye." She smiled and headed down the stairs.

Jim put the dish in the freezer, next to Mrs. Ross' offering and went back to the window.

Pam dried her eyes and got out of the car, slowly making her way up the walk. Jim greeted her with a soft hug at the door.

She tossed her purse, catching it on the coat rack. "Do I smell tuna?" She asked.

"That's what she..." Jim started, but stopped himself by quickly covering his mouth with his hands.

A smile tugged at Pam's lips. "_What was that_?"

"Nufing" Jim muttered through his palms.

"You totally said..." Pam jumped as Jim quickly covered her mouth.

"Shhhh, _no I didn't_." He shook his head.

Pam couldn't help it; she broke into laughter, pulling away from Jim's grasp. "Oh that's _hilarious_!"

Jim smiled; he hadn't seen her smile in two days, seeing her doubled over in laughter, albeit at his expense, made him feel a little better.

"Oh yeah yeah, its just sooo funny..." He teased.

Pam stood up and leaned into his chest, still shaking from laughing so hard. "Oh god Jim, I needed that." She sighed.

Jim simply smiled and kissed her forehead. "Mrs. Ross, I think it was, brought tuna casserole, and Mrs. Nelson brought tater tot hot dish."

"God, throw the tuna out, Mrs. Ross is kind cuckoo." Pam shook her head. "She moved here from Georgia a few years back, my mother tolerated her, but secretly she thought she was annoying."

"Tuna casserole will be 86'd then." Jim smiled.

"Actually, I could go for some of that tater tot hot dish though, Mrs. Nelson is an amazing cook."

Jim simply smiled and led her into the kitchen, delighted she actually wanted to eat something other than toast.

Pam sat at the table and watched as Jim quickly served up the food and poured them each a glass of milk.

They ate in relative silence, one occasionally commenting on the food.

Jim washed the dishes as Pam found her way to the old tire swing in the yard. She carefully threaded her body through the tire and spun herself around slowly.

As he dried the dishes he watched her through the window. He quickly wiped a tear from his eye as the vision of a little girl with red hair and fair skin swinging in the backyard filled his mind.

He shook his head and turned to put the dishes away.

* * *

Jim carefully cut the tag board into a tri-fold as Robert hauled out the photo albums from the closet. Pam and Jen sat on the floor, already going through a box of loose pictures.

"Oh my god Pam, look at your hair!" Jen laughed holding up a photo for Jim to see.

"Good God!" Jim laughed.

"Hey! I was 10 years old, and I was going to New Kids on the Block! All the girls did their hair like that!" Pam quipped.

"Your bangs have to be like, 7 inches high!" Jim laughed as he sat down.

"Oh shut it..." Pam whispered, quickly holding up a picture of Jen's first bath. "Look at that little red butt!"

"Give me that!" Jen snatched the picture from a laughing Pam.

"Here it is!" Robert smiled, pulling an old ratty photo album from a box.

"That looks ancient dad!" Jen looked up at the worn leather and yellowed pages.

"This is our wedding album." He smiled.

Jen and Pam quickly moved closer to their father, eager to see the pictures. Jim joined them as they huddled around, looking at the old photos.

"There she is, isn't she beautiful?" Robert asked as he pointed to Beverly, standing at the alter with her father.

"That's mom?" Jen asked, squinting at the picture. "God Pam, I never realized how much you liked her."

Pam smiled and carefully ran her finger over the picture.

"She is beautiful." Jim agreed, patting Robert's shoulder.

"She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her, I wanted to be with her."

"That's shallow dad!" Jen shook her head. "Just because she was pretty?"

"No." Robert said firmly. "Look at her eyes... She had the most beautiful eyes... they were so caring, so warm... I knew she was a good person just by looking into her eyes."

Pam and Jen both wiped a tear from their cheek as they listening to their father.

"And, I was right." Robert smiled. "Your mom was the most caring, compassionate person I've ever known. She'd give you the shirt off her back. She was the salt of the earth."

Jim looked down at the picture; he teared up as he realized Pam had her mother's eyes. The same compassionate, warm, loving eyes.

"It rained the morning we were married, we didn't think the clouds would ever let up." Robert shook his head. "The clouds parted and the sun came out just as the guests started arriving at the church. Your mother rushed out and insisted the photographer take this picture." He said turning the page.

Pam's mouth opened as she saw the picture. A rainbow was stretched across the sky, seeming to end right at the roof of the church.

"I told your mom she was my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." Robert smiled.

Pam looked up at Jim, it sounded like something he might say to her. She grinned as she watched him staring at the picture in awe.

"That's beautiful daddy." Jen whispered.

"I'm gonna go grab some coffee." He said suddenly, passing the book to Jim.

The girls went back to their box, silently waiting for their father to collect himself in the kitchen.

Robert appeared a few moments later, a giant smile on his face, holding a cup of coffee. "Let's get back to these pictures huh?"

They group gathered around again, anxious to hear more stories of years gone by.

* * *

**Warning... we will be getting to the beginning of the angst in the next chapter! (Finally!)**


	5. Chapter 5 Alternate Personality

* * *

**A/N - Ok, my writers block is slowly shifting. Im not entirely happy with this chapter, but it moves the story along and I think I can get some good angsty stuff out in the next few chapters now. Plus, Ive made you all wait forever for this chapter...Im sorry if it sucks. **

**Review and let me know what you think. Love y'uns!**

* * *

Pam stared at herself in the vanity mirror and took a deep breath in, exhaling slowly before leaving the bedroom and heading down the stairs.

Jim sat on the couch, waiting for her in his suit. She smiled softly as she grabbed her purse and headed out the door.

She got in the car and Jim backed out of the driveway, not saying a word.

She watched the world go by out the window, certain images bringing back memories of her mother.

The grocery store they'd shopped at when she was little. Her mother always allowed her and her sister to eat a cookie on the ride home. It was the only day of the week they were allowed to spoil their supper.

The elementary school where her mother would 'ooh' and 'aww' over her art work every semester before student teacher conferences.

The park where her mother proudly held the video camera as Robert let go of her 'big girl' bike for the first time.

They pulled into the parking lot at the funeral home and Pam's hands began to shake.

Jim quickly parked the car and laid his hands on hers. "Are you ok?" He asked softly.

"No, I'm not ok!" She yelled, startling him. "My mother is _dead_ and I have to stand here for four hours and listen to everyone tell me how sorry they are for my loss! I am _not_ ok." Pam grit her teeth as she spoke.

Jim was quiet. _Of course she wasn't ok_. How could he ask her if she was ok?

"Let's just get this over with." Pam pushed his hand away and got out of the car, slamming the door behind her.

Jim took a deep breath before following her into the building.

* * *

Jim waited with Robert and Jen as Pam was allowed to have her time alone with her mother in the sanctuary. He raised his head when she came out, her eyes red and puffy. He stood to greet her, but she waved him off.

"I need to fix my face." She told him as she headed for the ladies room, Jen on her heels.

"Pam has never been good with death." Robert shook his head. "Not that anyone is good with it, but she always takes it so hard."

"I don't know what I can say to her." Jim fixed his tie as he sat back down.

"Trust me son, there is nothing you can say to her. Have you noticed I haven't spoken to her much in the past few days?"

"Yeah, I guess I have..." Jim nodded.

"Pam takes it hard, but she bottles everything up. She becomes this ticking time bomb. It's been that way since she was three years old." Robert sighed. "Her hamster, Bo-Bo died, as hamsters tend to do, and Beverly decided we should have a funeral for him, because Pam was so upset." Robert shook his head. "I dug a hole in the backyard, Beverly made a little coffin out of a shoe box, and Jen and Pam painted a rock as a headstone. It all went well at first, we each said a little word about Bo-Bo, but as soon as I put that box in the hole, Pam freaked out."

Jim sat forward, watching in case Pam came out as Robert told the story.

"She wouldn't eat, wouldn't play with her sister, wouldn't even come down to have ice cream and watch a movie. She stayed up in her room and cried and cried... any time one of us went up there, she would just _scream and scream_ at us. It made me sad to see such a little girl so angry... Ever since, every time someone passes away, we just take a step back, and let her work it out for herself, there isn't anything you can say to that girl to make her feel any better."

"I've been trying to give her space, I can't imagine what she's going through... but she yelled at me when we pulled into the parking lot. I've never seen her yell like that before."

"It'll get better as the time passes, give her some time some, she'll work it all out in her head."

Jim sat up straight as Jen and Pam made their way to the sitting room.

"Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha just pulled in, we better move into the sanctuary to start greeting people." Jen said softly.

Pam simply crossed her arms in front of her and rolled her eyes.

Jim sighed as he stood, almost afraid to be in close proximity to her, especially with all the new information he'd received from her father.

Pam marched ahead of him as they walked in the sanctuary.

They greeted her aunt and uncle, and soon the room was filling with people coming to pay their last respects.

After an hour, Jim was unable to spot Pam in the crowded room. He decided to get some air, and he loosened his tie as he walked outside.

He walked to the side of the funeral home, trying to escape the crowd of people standing outside.

He saw a small puff of smoke around the corner, and was shocked to see Pam sitting against the building, smoking a cigarette.

"I didn't know you smoked." Jim cocked his head to the side, a bit upset.

"I don't." She muttered, staring straight ahead.

"Ok, so what are you doing then, holding it for a friend?" He asked as he sat in the grass a few feet away.

"Ha. Ha." Pam muttered sarcastically.

Jim watched as she took a few puffs off the cigarette.

"I bummed one off my cousin; I needed something to take the edge off." She sighed as she put the cigarette out.

"I just didn't know you smoked, that's all." Jim said quietly.

"I told you, I don't smoke." She shook her head. "I mean I did for a few months in high school to impress the cool girls, but that's it. Every once in a while, I just get so stressed, and I know that this helps."

Jim decided not to push the issue. He knew she probably wouldn't be kissing him any time in the near future, so it didn't matter if she tasted like an ashtray or not.

"I need to head back in." She said brushing the grass off her dress as she stood. "Fix that tie before you come back in, this is a wake, not the break room." She muttered as she rounded the corner.

"Oh my God, what is her deal?" Jim whispered out loud, running his hands through his hair.

He felt like he was in the twilight zone. His sweet, loving wife had taken to sitting outside a funeral home, smoking a cigarette and cussing at him.

He let himself cool down for a few moments before heading back inside.

He stopped in his tracks as he spotted a familiar PT cruiser pulling to the lot, followed closely by a Vance refrigeration van, and a beige car with a 'Jesus Saves' sticker on the back.

"Oh no." He rubbed his temples gently. "No, no, no..." He sighed as he watched his co-workers pile out of their cars.

"Jimbo!" Michael called out as he walked up.

"Uh, hey Michael." Jim politely shook his hand. "Why are you guys here?"

"Well that's a fine how-do-ya-do!" Michael grinned.

"I mean, you all didn't have to drive two hours just to come to the wake..."

"Well, it's just me, Phyl and Bob-a-rino, and Andy and Angela."

"You really didn't have to drive all the way up here..."

"Don't be silly Jim!" Michael slapped his back. "When a member of the Dunder Mifflin family is hurt, we all hurt." He turned to the small group behind him. "Well, some of us hurt more than others."

"We're so sorry for your loss." Phyllis stepped in and gave Jim a gentle hug.

"Thanks." He grimaced, hoping she wouldn't say the same to Pam.

"How is Pam doing?" Angela asked softly, but stoically.

"Not well, actually." Jim decided to be honest. "She's having a hard time as you can imagine, so please be gentle." He said, looking directly at Michael.

"Why do you look at me when you say that?" Michael asked quietly.

"Ummm, Pam and her family are inside, you guys are of course welcome to join us for food and drinks afterwards, there is a small tavern down the road." Jim told them.

"C'mon Bobby." Phyllis grabbed her husbands hand and led him inside.

Jim sheepishly followed the group in, silently praying they wouldn't upset Pam.

* * *

Jim sat quietly in an over stuffed armchair, politely listening to an obviously senile Uncle Joe tell him how President Roosevelt was doing a tremendous job during the war.

"Ya know, it's hard to be commander and chief during war times, but old Frankie is holding this country up, don't ya think son?"

"Uhh, yeah, and Eleanor is quite a dame isn't she?" Jim nodded.

"She's a handsome woman." Uncle Joe agreed.

"I'll be right back..." Jim quickly escaped and found his way to Phyllis and Bob.

"Such a lovely town." Phyllis smiled. "I just love small towns, don't you Bobby?"

"Yes I do." He smiled.

_'We live in a __small __town.'_ Jim sighed to himself. "Uh, hey guys. Thanks again for coming, you really didn't have to."

"I know." Phyllis smiled. "But I know how hard it is to lose someone; we had to come pay our respects."

"Thanks." Jim smiled, watching as Bob reluctantly turned to talk to Michael.

"So, Pam..." Phyllis started, not knowing what to say.

"Pam is having a really hard time with this, she isn't herself." Jim shook his head. "She's like this _bizarro world_ version of Pam."

"I noticed." Phyllis nodded.

"I know she needs to work through this in her own way, at her own pace, but it's hard."

"She'll get through it." Phyllis assured him softly.

"I know." Jim whispered, catching Pam's eye from across the room. She gave a smile small and turned back to her conversation.

"Well, should you need someone to talk to; you know I'll be here." Phyllis smiled and lingered for a moment, Jim gave her a soft smile before she slid away to rescue Bob from Michael.

* * *

The last of the family was making their way to their cars, ready to make their way to the tavern down the street. Pam lingered behind; staring at the photo perched on top of her mother's casket. She reached out to touch it, and it fell over. She gasped and took a step back, bumping right into Jim's chest. Jim pulled her into his chest and hugged her tightly.

"My mom...My mom..." Pam sobbed as she gripped his tie, spilling her tears onto his suit coat.

"Shhhhh, honey...shhhhhh..." Jim tried to soothe her.

Pam took a step back and wiped her face. "I'm gonna ride with Jen, I'll meet you there." She said quickly and ran from the sanctuary.

Jim pulled at his hair and plotted into an armchair, his head in his hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he was surprised to look up and see Michael's face.

"You alright buddy?" Michael asked softly.

"I don't know what to do about Pam." Jim admitted.

"Seems to me, she just needs time." Michael nodded. "I can talk to Holly about giving you guys another week off."

Jim looked up; it still surprised him when he had these moments with Michael. The moments where Michael seemed like a rational person. "You don't have to do that Michael."

"I think Pam will need another week, even if you want to come back."

"Yeah, maybe." Jim nodded. "She won't let me comfort her. I want to help her, but I don't know how."

"She just lost one of the most important people in her life." Michael shrugged. "Maybe being around her other loved ones is scaring her... maybe she's scared to let you care for her, afraid that someday she will lose you too."

Jim stared at Michael. "Did you talk to her?"

"No." Michael rocked back on his heels. "But I felt that way when I lost my Nana... I lashed out. Mom even made me see a psychiatrist." He paused. "He was a quack."

Jim was trying to process everything Michael had just said. He stood and shook his head and extended his hand. "Thank you Michael."

"Your welcome." Michael shook his hand and led him out of the sanctuary.


End file.
